I admit that I was not in the mood last night to write because of this certain thing that happened before I went home. Even now, I’m still not quite. But it’ll pass. I won’t be telling the whole story, instead, I will be writing about what I feel. I met one of my friends. We’ve been seeing each other for a few days now. It had been quite a while since we last had time for ourselves. These past few days that we’ve been seeing each other, I notice that her attitude changed greatly. She always tried to keep herself from rude words then but now, she’s saying it mostly out load. I think she had been adopting our old friends attitude… selfish attitude. I had this great intuition that she joined a Wiccan coven which one of our friend invited us back then. I don’t have anything against her being a Wiccan, even if I do I can’t do a thing. I’m an Atheist because I chose to be one. If she chose to be a Wiccan then, well and good. All I wanted wanted was just to know honestly, if she did join a coven. Whenever I ask her if she joined, she always say no and her mood then started to changed quickly. I remembered when we were suppose to go somewhere and she and another friend of ours makes obvious excuses for me like I can’t come because my body can’t withstand the heat (where in fact I could and already did.) just for me not to come along. I admit that I really felt bad those times but I let it passed. I always known her for the person of full of excuses. That’s why I honestly admit that I don’t believe half of what she say. She told me once that most of what I say weren’t true and I just said those to be in, to be known etc.
Defending myself comes here. Why would I lie to myself just to amuse someone? As most people know me, I dislike extreme attention nor attention per se. That’s why people called me DEAD. As if I’m dead. I only spent time and joke around to people I’m close to, talked when needed or asked none the less, I don’t. Speech isn’t too much of a requirement to express your self and tell people to “leave me alone” right? Regarding the Ethereal world I told her about. I told her this because she was my friend. I felt pity for myself when she said those. Yes, I too, had doubted it’s existence and thought of it as just pure coincidence that a few other people like Mosasi and te Chette had exactly the same dreams as I had and I always have bruises where in fact I only just slept. The big question is, where the heck did I get those if in case? Considering that those were all mere dreams and the bruises were all got from too much struggling in my nightmares as I sleep, she doesn’t have any right to tell me things that she herself do, sometimes, worse. She just have to admit herself that she’s just like some people’s puppet that does every command her master asks her to do and doesn’t have her own initiative. yes, she broke free from her past master but where did she landed this time, to a new puppeteer. If you asked me, her old puppeteer is better because somehow, that person cares for her and doesn’t want her to be harmed. But what about her new master? Is she certain that he wouldn’t harm her? In my eyes, she is already hopeless.
And then, here she is again of her excuses that I need to get home early where in fact, I already told her earlier that I don’t need to. Then I thought, I know her pretty well to know if she doesn’t want me around so I better let her have her way. So I went home. I may be a hypocrite to some people but I will never be one to myself. Lying to other people sometimes, helps (white lies but it’s still a lie by whatever name you call it) but lying to yourself will not, rather, it will only cause you more.
Lies… Never ending lies… and I’m tired.