40th Day

Exactly 40 days ago, I lost one of my life’s most important pillars. I can’t even begin to describe how I’m feeling right now. I couldn’t remember exactly how I felt that night when I heard the news. But I can remember the scene clearly, and I’ll probably never forget them.

I remembered my mom calling me and telling me that afternoon that our dad was rushed to the hospital because he was vomiting blood. Later that night, my mom called again and told me, he’s already confined and that he seem to look better. Much later, around midnight, my mom called again to ask me to come home immediately as she told me that our dad’s in a critical condition. And a few minutes after that call, my mom called again and told me he passed away. I packed my stuff and asked a housemate to help me to the bus terminal and we left at 3am. I arrived 2 hours after that to a house where everyone was staring into space and crying their eyes out.

I remembered how we run around the next day to buy stuff we would need for the funeral. I specifically remembered when we went shop after shop looking for a set of suit our dad. I felt sad and pathetic that we couldn’t even give him a set of nice new suit to wear and we had to settle with worn stuff because we couldn’t afford new ones because we’re budgeting all our savings for the expensive funeral service cost. We couldn’t even truly grieve properly because we need to run around to fix stuff like death certificates, insurances and such.

I was okay when we were driven out of our own house more than a year ago, when some bastard scammed our house. It’s painful to lose the house where you practically grew up, but we were together and we managed to hold on and moved on. But this time, I do not think I’ll be able to move on.

Every day as soon as wake up, I feel like crying. And every night, before I go to bed, I just wanted to drift away to rid myself of the pain.

Please tell me this is all just a huge elaborate dream. Please wake me up from this nightmare.

Please.