After Thoughts

Every time I make an attempt to write my heart out, my hands gets cold and I grow weak. Yet every time these thoughts pass me by, I can’t help myself but to sit and think. When will I find the courage to honestly admit you’re finally not mine. Of course, I still love you. Yet, no matter ho much we try, we couldn’t meet both ends. Even so, I am thankful for the while you were mine. Even so, I wouldn’t go so far as to fool myself that you were the same. Of course, at this very moment I am typing this, I’m crying my heart out. My heart finally gave in, I can’t pretend to be strong any longer.

I never held you too tight, because I was afraid you would die. I never held you to light because you might leave me and fly. That’s the best that I could possibly do, yet, it’s just not enough to keep you. I never wanted to let you go. But the longer it is that I keep you with me, the more painful it gets.

“If by any chance, we were to break up, I want you to move on.”
“No, I might die.”
“Don’t say that.”
“I’m sorry… I’ll try…”
“Promise me?”
“Yes, I promise.”

Remember those lines? Yes, those were the lines when I started to feel that all this, would come to end someday. I knew that first hand, yet I ignored it. After that, you showed me more than enough signs that you wanted to end this, yet, I pretended not to notice. That’s because I don’t want to jump into conclusions that I might have mistook your meaning. You know me, you know how I take things as rational as it is possible. But in the end, I had proven that one thing I was so afraid of happening. I prepared myself and waited until you would finally tell me it’s over. Yet, months passed by and you remained the same – you remained just as cold. That’s when I realized that both of us doesn’t want to be the one ending this. There was never an easy way to break another’s heart and we both knew that fact. So both of us waited for each other as far as months pass by again. And those months were like a rain of acids to my heart.

Each night I drown myself in tears trying so hard to keep that promise that I would move on. Each night I embrace the same old painful thoughts. Hurting myself physically would be less painful than arriving to that conclusion. Yet, somehow, I finally convinced myself that I would take the courage and be the one to cut the thread. You know what it meant and you know how painful it was. Just building that minutes worth of courage to talk to you and ask you straight about it, pilled me up with months worth of tears and pain.

When that moment came. Those minutes just passed by like a gust of wind. And I felt nothing. I felt neither pain nor relief. I felt like I was drowning in total darkness, in absolute void. I neither cried nor smiled. I uttered not a word. I felt so unreal. Until tonight, hearing about it, felt like nothing. It’s as if my tears were all drained out and my heart is too numbed to even feel the pain anymore. But for this one night, let my heart be true.