Father, please forgive me for I have sinned.
You know father, I love the fact I live near your church. At first, it’s nice because every 6am, I hear songs of praise. And since I’m a sucker for classics, church choirs songs are a a plus especially when you just woke up. They leave an ethereal feeling like I’m on drugs or something. But what makes them better is that mom’s stupid African birds are less annoying than they usually were. I’ve always thought of cooking them for breakfast. But killing is a sin and it would break my mom’s heart if I killed them all and break their feathers apart. Because she loves them and they cost too much.
But, you know, lately, for some reason, all I hear from morning ’til night are novenas and rosary prayers. To be blunt, I don’t like them. I don’t ass-fucking goddamn like hearing them. The fact that they recite the prayers in an incredible speed and uncomprehending lyrics, again and again, drives me fucking insane. I can’t concentrate with whatever things I’m doing like taking a crap or something. There had been several times within this day that I’ve imagined sinful thoughts like shooting them all dead or slitting the throat of the one holding the microphone and leading the prayer. And then, shower his blood to those lots holding rosaries and singing with him.
So father, if possible, please help me and drive these evil thoughts out of my head. Please try talking to them and tell them, “For the love of all things holy, SHUT THE FUCK UP PEOPLE! And PLEASE be considerate of those who live in the area.” Or else, I’ll really go insane and really do it. Really. Just so you know, I’m not trying to threaten you or anything, I just want let you know, we do keep a few samurais at home and I know where exactly they were kept. Please give me some real advice or something than a “be patient” because obviously, I’m running out of it. Oh and father, please don’t make me recite prayers too much. I hate repeating stuff.
And lastly, father, please tell the people reading this not to take me seriously because God made a flaw in creating our world. Of all things to make a flaw on, why did he not make our world idiot safe? Everywhere we go at anytime of any given day, there are bound to be people who can’t take jokes and are huge idiots. Please tell God to save them too.
So, yeah. That’s about all of it, father.