Mid last week, Lolo’s wife, Tita Rita, was sent to the hospital. Lolo’s face reflected both pain and relief. Pain for what happened to Tita Rita and relief that she’s fine after the examinations. Seeing Lolo’s face that week made me think hard and wonder. If I would be in such a tight situation, with mixed feelings, where I’m stuck in the middle and do not know where to go, where no matter how hard I try, I couldn’t do anything but to stand by and watch someone painfully and wait, I wondered then if would I call on His name for help and once again and start to believe that there’s someone somewhere who’s watching.
Last Saturday morning, we received a call from my cousin, Yan-yan, that our grandmother was sent to the ER. Luckily, I was done with the moving, arranging and cleaning of my stuff to my new pad that Friday night. We rushed to the hospital to find out what happened and how she’s doing so far. When we arrive, she can’t move nor speak. Her eyes were open but she doesn’t recognize us. It’s as if she doesn’t even see us. We stayed there for a few hours and left right after. While on the way home, I thought that feeling that same pain was very quick to hit me back. I’m on that edge of being helpless again where I can’t do anything but stay silent and wait for the results. The feeling of those hours were like years and waiting for those decade-like days were painful that it nulled my entire body. Then and there, it reminded me of that same thought I was having – on this same situation, would I end up kneeling down and pray?
Then, the next day, as we were talking with my cousin, she was saying that at worst case, she could end up in a comma. If that would be the case, she says, she would be better off dead than in pain. I agree to her point that if she would live the remains of hr life in pain, it would be better for her to just die instead of suffer, but of course, I remained silent. My mom, however, disagreed and went on a rampage. She said, who are we to question what God has decided. God gave her life, who are we to just take it like that. I wanted to tell her that if God gave her a life where she suffers so much pain and she doesn’t even have a choice but to just accept it, where she can’t even move for a fact, then God is cruel. But of course, like usual, I remained silent. As they were arguing in the phone, I left to take a bath. As I was in deep thoughts and wondering what would happen in a few days and thought if somewhere deep inside me, do I still believe in God? After a while of thinking, as I was drying myself, I realized that a divine being, no matter how small or big something came to me, is something I will no longer have faith in. Evey single thing, no matter the size of it, it will need our own efforts, our own strength to go through and putting it all up to a divine being would be the same as having someone by your side. Having God hear your burdens is the same as sharing your pains with your friends and family. To make it simpler, it’s like wanting someone to hear you and be there for you to make you feel a little better.
Then and there, I thought that if God was real, I would feel pity over him. That people just call unto him whenever it is convenient for them. When people are at the edge of everything else, they would remember to call his name, other than that, it’s as if, he isn’t even there.
PS: My grandma’s fine now. 🙂