Memories of a Dead

Before everything else, I would like to greet Sera-sama a BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Going down to the updates, I removed the background midi because people find it a bit… irritating. And of course, would I forget my layout explanation? Nah! This months layout is entitled, Memories of a Dead. I would like to take this opportunity to thank and give the credits to the brush owners (see credits) for the brushes I used. Okay, why Memories of a Dead? Just read the song below and try to understand…

“Toge no aru kotoba dake
Konno machi wa utsushiteru itsumo
Meguriau hito ga nagareru
Shinjitara kuzureso
Fuandake dakishimeru hibiyo
Moshimo kokoni anata ga
Itara hanasanai noni”

– Beautiful Alone OST Weiss Kreuz


To every life, there’s always an end,
But I close my eyes, I still see your face, beautiful…
And I throw a rose as they now lower you down
But I still believe I’ll see you again
I wait for the day that I can once more hold you tight
Until then, I can’t cry this pain away
Until then, memories are all I have…

This song is one of my favorite songs. When I first heard this song, at the end of every Weiss Kreuz TV Series, it doesn’t have that sad impact on me. But when I heard the whole song, even though I can’t speak nor understand Japanese, somehow, I felt the sadness within the song though it’s melody isn’t that sad. After that, I started to look for this song’s title around the net. The title intrigue me to it’s lyrics and brought me tears after reading its English translation. You could find the entire lyrics here.

It is at this point in my life that I slowly learn and start to grasp a few little details that I had missed and been ignoring all along. I had awakened from my years of slumber and now, I am prepared to face it all. Puzzling my words may seem but as you read, you would understand gradually what I had been meaning to tell.

Most often, when I am bored, I draw different images in my notebook. Unconsciously, there was one image that never slips through – a woman tied. I always wondered why I keep on drawing that same image over and over again until I had come to realize this through a friend. It was late at night that I was conversing with this friend about several things. Then our topic came pass to dreams. I willingly retold my dreams as he tried to interpret it as he sees it fit. He mentioned about something like I wanted to excel on something or be dominant of something. Then a thought passed my mind. Domination? Is it really domination that I had always wanted or just to break free? Free from people’s dictations, sermons, ignorance, misjudges and labeling. Sometimes, only if I could, I wanted to just bury myself down to the edge of the earth where people couldn’t reach me, where I couldn’t hear them call me names. Where I will peacefully stay until the end of all.

Sometimes, the one thing you want most is the one thing you’ll never have… It sound pessimistic but sometimes, being pessimistic is better than living in lies. I couldn’t tell if you are real. Only you yourself know who you really are and only you yourself could tell if you are real. We have our own dark sides at times and it is up to us to keep it real and accept these facts or hide it from the world and forever pretend to be what we are not living and hoping blindly. I don’t need a label to call myself real. I am real because I exist. And that’s a fact. I don’t claim that I am real because I know I’m real and moreover, I don’t pretend to exist.

The tomb I portray in this layout in some part is myself – the part of me that I had sealed off and buried down unconsciously somewhere. I start to exhume myself up bit by bit from this and slowly realize things on my own. I changed myself to please people. I tried to keep my life as simple as people could easily reach out to me. I tried to be as friendly as possible. I tried not uttering anything about what I think, about my own beliefs and philosophies of this and that and kept it all to myself. I tried so hard for them to understand me. But now I’m tired. I’m tired of pretending to be nice and just accept numerous mockeries from people who most often doesn’t have the right to tell me those words. Now that I see myself clearly and I couldn’t bare any more thoughts of me always being pushed away. I am trying so hard to keep my sharp edge tongue from rude words that may result to hurting people even though sometimes it just sips through me unconsciously. It is because I was just wanted to be nice to people and give them the respect they deserve. Respect is something that cannot be just asked from someone rather, it is earned. I am a person who is quite hard to please. Only a few people have my utmost respect. And lately, someone just lost it because of something she said that I crystal clearly know I did not deserve.

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